Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

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Gratitude

November 21, 2012

It’s that time of year… so many of us are verbalizing what we’re thankful for via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. Except for a brief one-liner comment at my company’s Thanksgiving potluck, I haven’t expressed the things I’m thankful for in my life.

Let’s see if I can get through this…

My mom died January 4, 2012. For the most part, I’ve been at peace with her leaving this earth. There’s a lengthy backstory there, which I won’t go into… I’ll simply say her suffering ended. My mom suffered in many ways on this earth, and because of her circumstances and decisions, I did too. Since her passing, for the most part, when I think of my mom, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief, and I smile at the memory of her, but lately, I’ve been thinking about the person she was down deep inside, and the person she raised me to be. I shall now give my “thanks” to you, Mom.

Thank you for being present in my life when and for as long as you were able.

Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick like only a nurse could.

Thank you for the talks… about boys, sex, life, and death and everything in between.

I’m thankful for your laugh, even as rare as it was to hear. I’m also grateful for your tears, for they were even more rare. They showed me you were a human being, not just my mom.

Thank you for the honest moments, the silly ones, and for being there during the sad ones, too.

Thank you for understanding my mental illness like only a survivor could, and doing everything in your power to guide and help me to be one, too. Because of you, I learned there are resources – help – lots of help.

Mom, because of your example I am caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, and thoughtful.

I am capable , conscientious, and intelligent because of you.

I am NOT pretentious, careless, hateful, or racist. THANK YOU.

I am on this earth because of you, and it ain’t all bad. Thank you.

Last but not least, thank you for watching over me. I know you are here with me.

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Road Trips

February 22, 2010

I used to love going on road trips. When I was growing up, almost all of our family vacations consisted of traveling many hours to visit relatives. We’re talking seven-hour, nine-hour, and twelve-hour road trips. I loved staring out the window at the ever-changing Texas landscape. I loved listening to the radio. I loved letting my mind wonder… imagine… envision… plan. I could dream big – as big as Texas. Anything was possible.

As an adult, I’ve also enjoyed road trips. If I travel alone, I love that I can be one with my thoughts – uninterrupted. I love the wide open spaces. I love the long road in front of me. If I’m traveling with my sisters – I love the conversation and the singing along (quite loudly) with Journey’s Greatest Hits cd (best road-trip cd ever).

Something has changed in the past year or so. Anytime I’ve had to travel out-of-town, I’ve experienced quite a bit of anxiety. It sucks! I’m constantly worried about my car breaking down or about getting in an accident, or I don’t know what.

To be fair, I have had a few issues with my car in past trips, especially in the last year. I know that must be playing a part in all this, although anxiety has never been an issue for me, previously.

Even when I ride the bus (because of the car issues) from my city to my sister’s city, which I’ve done quite a bit this year, I become anxious. I just want to be there already. I don’t want to go through the process. It’s just too much. I don’t get any pleasure out of it. I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. It’s way too uncomfortable.

In two weeks, I have to take a seven-hour trip with my dad and return home two days later. STRESS. My dad, whom I love dearly, will talk the ENTIRE trip. (Deep breath.) This will only add to my anxiety. The purpose of this trip is to get all my STUFF that my aunt and uncle have graciously been storing on their property – an apartment full of stuff. The thought of dealing with it makes me sick to my stomach.

I hope this trip-associated anxiety will disappear one day. Road travel used to be so therapeutic for me. I envision many trips in my future. I want to be able to enjoy, not dread, them.

If anything is possible, can’t this be?

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