Posts Tagged ‘bipolar’

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Olympians

February 13, 2010

I love, love, love the Olympics! I get so excited when it’s “that time.” I watch from the beginning of the opening ceremonies to the end of the closing ceremonies. I watch as many events as time allows. I never get enough.

When I was a young girl, during the 1984 Summer Olympics, my sisters and I created a make-shift gymnastic apparatus out of our couch. I would give my best Mary Lou Retton imitation by signaling to the imaginary judges, running as fast as I could from the kitchen into the living room, and hurling my body into a hand-stand position on the couch. My sisters were both my competitors and my judges. Ah, those were some good times.

There’s something incredibly attractive and sexy about Olympic athletes. They are very hard-working, dedicated, fearless, determined, and relentless. Those are all admirable traits. Those are all traits that I wish I had. The reality is that I am not hard-working. I’m a quitter. I am not fearless. I am fearful. I am not determined or dedicated. I am ambition-less and undedicated.

Do I get to blame these things on debilitating depression? Are the odds against me because I’m bipolar? I don’t know. If I were being as gentle with myself as a therapist would be, what would I say to myself? I’m not sure. I just know I can’t let myself off the hook.

I can strive for better, for more. I know I’ll never be an Olympian. I’ll be okay with that if I can just make some real progress in the life that I’ve been given. It’s going to take work… a different kind of work than that of an athlete. I am capable of hard work. I have to dedicate myself to this task. My life depends on it.

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Outed

February 4, 2010

I outed myself today on Facebook… you know the little info blurb that sits under your profile picture… I typed the words, “I am bipolar.”

I am bipolar.

I wonder if I’ve really owned this fact? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I don’t feel as educated as I should be. I don’t feel as proactive as I should be – about taking care of myself. Let me be real: I’m not a proactive person.

I guess – in a very small way – this is me taking a step in the right direction – this blog I mean.  I wanted to start blogging about my life and my mental illness over a year ago.

Today, I start.

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